In Between The Tough Times I Wonder...
My Eternal (The Struggle Pt. 1)

I’ve done many things I am not so proud of

Many things I will never speak of

If God is really listening he already said he forgives

So do I just forget?

Do I walk the road many men have paved?

A one way street that mounts silence until the grave

I’ll never be able to let this demon out

Is this demon just my soul?

Do I choose to be good or be evil?

If I just choose to be in the middle will I always be this mundane?

If this is the greatest question that marks the phrase “what I want to be…”

I’m so confused, but when I’m with you it’s easy to stay motivated

When I can keep you around and not discouraged by if I’m ready, if I’m brave

So walking the road it is

"Pick your head up Leo it’s not so bad

There’s an end in this book, but the manuscript goes on and on and on

And if you’re so sad we got a pill for you”

I didn’t choose to live in this world I was just ripped into it

Some days are easier than others to make the best of it

And down with the day laying in my bed

My life flashes before my eyes before I slip into a pit

The deepest of sleep and the the most unnatural of dreams

Days where I save myself

Nights where I’m so weak I can barely speak

Will I ever take the time to appreciate when I have the upper hand?

Will I leave this place as miserable as I remember crying at some Virginia beach

Lying to my mother why I was so sad, because to this day I have no idea

The colors just went away

I was something like 8 or 9 years

18 years later and I just started to see what life breaths

I am still taking things for granted

Realizing I am not all alone, someone cares for me

Only makes me so sad I regret my every emotion

It’s something like deciding to go out big or just wither away

Will I ever decide to finish what I start?

If not there is not big ending

I’ll just wither away

I’ve visited this place before

It’s lonely and cold

The ceramic tiles on my bare feet offer no heat at all

This is the last time I said last time

"Hey young man time to stop acting like a child.

Won’t you pick up the pieces and fit the puzzle back together?”

You can’t save me from the walls of habits I’ve built

After I’m done feeling sorry for myself I’ll go back to the start.

The same old silver tongue came back again

The voice I seemed to rattle out just led her closer

I said I’d been here before just never with her

Last time it didn’t hurt to bite

"Hey young man won’t you start being more mature?

Trying times call for you to nurse the wound you create.”

I dragged my pride through the mud, I’m so tired

Lord will I sleep knowing I did the best I could?

My legs tremble and shake to pick myself up off the floor

I’m taking the snake out of my mouth for the last time.

Taking out the garbage and washing the vomit out of the bathroom sink

I’ve lost my ability to write some flashy poem

An intricate way of telling you every feeling

My actions are clear how much I do adore

Every little way you cross your legs and lick your soft lips

Now all these lines just fill up empty space that’s everywhere, but our mattress

A place to go where all our love ignites into a beautiful song

You’re a songbird when I touch you there

I’ve lost it all before, but when you’re around we play hide and seek

Now look what I’ve found

All of those mistakes lead me right to you

And oh how I adore you girl

Do I, do I, do I , do I

I adore you love, my queen, my everything in this broken city

When your cold the world just turns it back on you

When your hot they find ways to extinguish you

And if your mediocre you might make it to college and get a degree and not know how to use

Kind of like my father who turned in to the police man

Now he’s wearing a security badge in downtown Boston

Or maybe you can be like my mother

Barely passing high school

Now she’s got a job answering phones for some faggot ass doctors

Hs doctrate says he’s capable of making all the wrong diagnoses and still gets a pay check for it

But instead I turned my back on the life of public schooling

Cheated my way through the system and saying fuck you I’m a war vet

But I don’t see no war around me

Just some douche bag Captain we saved in the far off land named Djibouti

Pronouced like booty for these pirates attacking big ships in little skiffs

Now I’m lost and just fumbled my last thought

I don’t know where I am

This must be hell

I don’t know where I’m going

I’m alone and depressed

These feelings of regret can get the best of you I know

So that’s why I speak words of uncertainty

And blast of at the mouth like I know what the fuck is bothering me

It’s killing me like cancer

My Nana left this world with it

Now she’s free to watch over me while I get it

Kind of fucked up isn’t it

So much for divine intervetion

We didn’t start it and we have no say in ending it unless we take ourselves out one by one

This suicide realm that bothers us

So many kids and adults that feel like there is no other shit to live for

So I’m dying ever so slowly like my ancestors that came before me

When I was a little boy you stole everything

You took my toys, my books,  my clothes 

Anything you could get your hands on

Your hands all over my good looks

Standing in the bathroom looking shook 

You’re a crook

Here’s a nook take a cranny

Keep running in circles in your jammies

Daddy won’t catch ‘cause he’s not there

Peek-a-boo

Turn around Elizabeth

Your my friend

Your my cousin 

Please don’t teach me what your daddy taught you

I’m too young to know how quit, but not to forget

It was you who played with my huevos

And this is me twenty years later calling you out

You made a mistake, but I don’t blame you

Even though it led me to the destruction, and the drugs, and the psychiatrist

And I’m growing on up and  after you fall on your face

Get back up

I never talked shit about you like you did behind me

I just threw up one day and let God deal with it

And when it came back like vomit I spewed up

It looks like this song and sounds like your name

As my mind opened to the heaven’s above He reveiled to me a deep “not-so-extremely” secret gaze into the works of the wicker basket of the world. As I thought to myself where did all the saint’s go? He said,

"Spun around in the air like a tornado. Being tossed around up in her might seem pleasant or beautiful in a way, the whiping and the open space in which to breath, but when the dust riles up around you and their’s nothing but debris that you can see. You can seem how it might be stuffy. With no where to land or a place to crash. Continual chaos. A melodic mellow drama of winds in your ears and houses crumbling under God’s finger. From the outside looks like nothing you have seen or heard of before, and when it’s your turn to go, the walls just rip up around you. It’s just you and the seconds before you are executed by a farm from the east or trailor truck in the west you have time to do one more thing. Pray to God he forgives you of your sins. To the naysayers who rought their lives through the fibrics of society causing detriment and forced pleasure. So much pleasure happiness is hard to come by, because over time these pleasures break your soul until all is boring and life seems meek. Which is why I believe Thomas Jefferson saw it coming. I believe it when he said we were given the chance in "prusuit to happiness." When luxuries are so easily given away we find ourselves a slave to mediocrity. If we give every child a crayon and tell them to draw a picture why does everyone’s drawing be great! How will a child ever know to get better. I feel more humbling expierences added with a bit of humility are nessecary in order for progress to occur. This doesn’t mean go tell your child he is worthless, just that he or she needs improvement. Constructive critisism. A road to preach in public and reprimanding in private, given the magnitude of the situation. Fore this world is not meek, yet we shall fight to secure freedoms and a botherhood in a country that could really use a friend. We are "One nation. Uner God. Indivisble. With freedom and justice for all."

Well played sir. Well played.

I: I am embarking on a treacherous journey through wilderness. The book I had in mind may do better as a poetic screenplay! A young man in the ups and downs to find his own in the military lifestyle, but never forgetting what his higher calling is. He falls from the church and is brought back in to the mix with a supernatural twist. Some events will be things I have experienced. I intend it to be riveting and modern with a great soundtrack. A transgression of one’s self, a fight for what is right, and a monumental last stand. “The Diary Of A Writer: The Last Book.”

II: Please forgive the jumble but certain pages will be here, but not a lot. It’ll be deep and some times very dark and cryptic.

God slipped in the back door tonight. “This was all wastelands” He says to me. My eyes closed and wander around studying the area in my eyelids that lets in the most light. A coursing feeling came about and I just startled up. Moving in my seat God washed a hand upon me. As I lean back in my computer chair. “This night is ending . The future is about to change take hold Francis. A well deserved stitch in time. You went and ate with rats. You tasted their oats and barley. The everyday litter and wet food  overflowing out of  garbage. To each his own, but their is a better way and you shall lead these “Every-day Warriors” to salvation. My focus, My commitment to this is not all for nothing. Everyday I help protect the waters and find myself in ranks. I serve for you, for, her, for mom, for dad, my family, I serve for all mankind residing on Earth. We need our basic freedoms back without having to worry about espionage. America is a great land. I will live and and hopefully die here, but If things come… What is there left to do? I’ll make it out of here. I am not quite sure about you. May you be self sufficient and may you crops grow plentiful when the day is to come.

I can feel him Father. HE IS HERE! Damage in my room. On my way back to the center I found a carcass ripped apart. The blood poured down the table and into a cup. The Devil drank. The white face of a pure man. Damn, the devil wears his skins tight. Still I see through you. O’ Mother Mary cradle your arms and take care of my will. In this basin I’ll learn the secrets and surely my hands burn. My calloused grip around the can of a beer. A frosty cap that I drank to kill you. I drink to forget you. Our promise. You shall here but you’ll hear but two words from me, “Bartender whiskey”. I’ll lay my book down for a second. Just let me adjust to the atmosphere. Put the record on and we can play. Lets just hope gravity catches us tomorrow. 

I let so many Demons in, in, in

Little do they know I will win

I let the light miss me

And I did it on purpose

I lived with the devil and he taught me well

I let so many demons in, in, in

Little do they know I’ll win

I chased a little red pill with a bottle

I grew to know that in here is where he hid

Into the dark I become engulfed

Overwhelmed? No!

It’s something I must do

I sold my soul

I took the words he had traded for my soul

I used them as knives to pin him on the wall

I let his blood drip into a pan

And let him taste his poison

Let him weep. Let him weep.

And on the floor he shall be

With my foot against his chest stealing the soul he stole from me.

I step into his dream

A lair in which I retreat

The focus of my pain

A dark and weary road

And the rod I hold to stand

His pasture grew of fruits

His necklace drew me in

A ruby red glass with drink

I drank and now my cup is bare

An empty forrest below the sand

Blood that stains these tired hands

I’ll rinse and scrub and burn them still

The blood remains on them

And into the lair in which I go

A future has been bestowed

To a better man

I lived in sin

Still you gave your wings away

Still I walk the line

Still I will survive

In these times I’ll retreat to the fully flourished Forrest

The tidy waves may seem so neat and sweet, but I have been out to sea.

By morning, your glory and red sun has risen

Time for lunch and the sharks come swimming

Nestled all cozy beneath your keel

Your hull gets cracked by the evening squall

Taking on water and your last chance to bathe to wash your sins away

So don’t take your boat out with a red sky by morning I’m warning

Just run into the woods with me

And wave your soul so graciously

In time with the trees and the vines, and the habiscus

Strikes a chord and hit a tune in the note of a bird

In the feathers that flap

I’ll be waiting standing at the top of a waterfall.