I’ve lost my ability to write some flashy poem

An intricate way of telling you every feeling

My actions are clear how much I do adore

Every little way you cross your legs and lick your soft lips

Now all these lines just fill up empty space that’s everywhere, but our mattress

A place to go where all our love ignites into a beautiful song

You’re a songbird when I touch you there

I’ve lost it all before, but when you’re around we play hide and seek

Now look what I’ve found

All of those mistakes lead me right to you

And oh how I adore you girl

Do I, do I, do I , do I

I adore you love, my queen, my everything in this broken city

           I’m slightly distracted now-a-days with all the bombs that have been dropped, and right on my house no less! I can’t find time to worry about my ex-wife and what the hell she’s been up to. Instead I make some time to email her lawyer about how she tries to swindle me! Now she won’t fight the facts, and she’s right where I’d like her; across the country! I swear I could be more brutal, but the time has come to just let it go. This is exactly why I sit here typing away my soul.

           I was a bad version of a man, a horrible husband, but all because I never really did love. Hell, I never even propose, and I tied a ring that didn’t fit. I cared. I felt bad she had a disease. I felt after the abortion I needed to marry her to make her feel better. Lord knows I was wrong. So, even though this marriage was lawful, it never really was allowed in God’s house. I believe that if it was I wouldn’t have slept with as many hookers as I did, did so many weird drugs, and certainly would have tried to make myself a better person! Of course though, I didn’t feel the need. She was just a safety blanket for whenever I felt alone. An ex-girlfriend even came into play at a point in time! If it wasn’t for Alex I don’t think I would have fully saw Kait and I’s relationship would never work.

            In December 2010 Kaitlyn and I spent a night at a bed and breakfast in some Cape town in Massachusetts. It was nice, but after we parted ways I spent the rest of my time on leave with Alex. Alex and I had a fling going on, and it wasn’t until deployment that I knew it wasn’t right. Her and I had too much history. Things that would have weighed us down, and I wasn’t about to put myself in another relationship where loving would become an issue, and break another friendship up. When I went back to Massachusetts in June 2011 I stayed with Kaitlyn in an apartment I was paying for. I was drunk nearly every night and I honestly, don’t recall much while I was there other than my time with my mom, aunt, dad, and the bruin’s games. I knew it was a matter of time, before I was going to call it quits.

            On June 17th I checked onboard my newest ship. I was intimidated at first. I really don’t like meeting new people. I speak fast, and I get tongue tied. I meet a co-worker named Holly who I talked to while she checked me in that first day. It was interesting. Over the next month I felt her out, wondering about her and this random black chick she was always with, but I was so busy with a ship wide inspection I didn’t have time for anything but small talk. Kait and I talked very seldom, and I had 20 dollars for two weeks after all my necessities were bought. Twenty dollars can buy a lot of forties and Mcdonald’s double cheese burgers! Hell, I would get wasted when I could!

             One day when I was curious of the black girl that Holly hung out with. She turned out to be an OS2, I was a second class before, before I peed in my aisle after a drunk Guam night. The rank wasn’t a problem, I was still married. I still told Holly I wanted to fist her friend with my penis. Of course she told OS2, and I wouldn’t find out until the first time Jen and I hung out! I saw Jen one day outside the port break, a tunnel leading to the forecastle. She was on the phone, and I walked up to her and said, “So, when are you going to let me take you on a date?” She replied, “You are married so, never!” I laughed and walked away with a smile.

             For about a week I continued talking to Jen, talking my usual “shit”. It was a kind of mean way of flirting, but I caught her eye. I went to a dereliction review board later on that month, and I had a facebook message. Jen had asked, “How was DRB hun? Text me.”, and left her number. That was a wrap. I used the number. I blew Kait off on her birthday with a simple text saying happy birthday, and called Jen. Kait found out, she broke into my facebook, email, phone accounts, and all. She was fairly pissed off to say the least! I couldn’t be mad. I was done. I had strung her along long enough.

             And that was that. My first marriage, down the drain. I didn’t try to stop it. I gave up. Now, this is me- Giving up on giving up. Thrown in the trash; all my mistakes, the things I did that I regret, they all lead me to where I am at. A happy man with a loving fiancee and her beautiful four year old boy, and a baby on the way. This is life. The reason for taking in all the slack, and finally growing up. This is the man I want to be.

Silence on the smoke deck at quarter to three

The stars are about playing their darkest hour

Four fall from the furthest corner and whisper into the sea

Drawing up colors of algae as green melt into the waves

There is no feeling like the China sea

Not a ship is in sight for days becoming weeks

As I turn to speak some words a marine lights his square

Instead I bite my tongue

I know to let him be

Because like me there are few times like these

Just enjoying the soothing sounds

Of the beauteous rhythm of the North Pacific Sea

Today she fell like a burning star

She’s a rolling rock on a crooked highway I paved

As much as I loved her

We were friends in the wrong direction

She moved to California so I could show her the water

Cut the cards on the poker table

I’m a spade

And a spade is just a spade

In this house of dealers there are no winners

Instead of driving we flew apart

A mountain and the hiker that never made it

She moved back to Rockland with the dirty water

A suburban babe with no map to guide her

Like I’ll be the author that wrote a story and never lived it

Walking lines no artist ever drew it

Maybe someday we will talk about it

She’ll have a family and a house to show for it

We won’t have to travel the added distance to not see eachother in this math equation

And sorry won’t be in our vocabulary

When I said I feel like I’m 18 again

She said be careful of the fall

And so I fell flat on my face

And another asked a question if I learned anything or if I just focus on how they changed me

I’m jaded and diseased by my own thoughts without a word that comes to mind but hate

Yesterday I cursed out God and told him to get the fuck out of my head

When I asked him to take my life from me

His reply wasn’t what I’d thought when he said I will only take it from you when you no longer feel this way

So what’s there left to live for

All the disease, corruption, and war?

God I really am sorry for the things I said, but it all just isn’t fair now is it?

That I have to live with you inside me more than most

So close to me and no one ever believes me

And we aren’t really in control of our own destiny, are we?

So I turned up the music to drown out the sound of my voice and the likeness in my head

I’m worn out like the cassettes I played so constantly before I sleep

And these drugs don’t work anymore

I’m sweating all the time

I’ve learned, but not my lesson, so I’ll make the same mistakes, because so long as I’m miserable I’ll live

That’s what you said

I’m scared and I fear that the day I go up it will feel like I’m drowning

Like the happiness will be too much for my fragile skin to take

My teeth will cringe in my head like I just took too many pills to stay awake

I’m walking talking bad seed laced with cocoa leaves and old english. I’m liquid morphine dripping down the stream of your dying cousin. I’m sorry for him still kicking If we could take it away in a moment we would So I suck at this game like my high school daze. Got high it went away only to deliver jesus rolling in his grave and today another day in this so called life. I’m sick of all you fucking numb skulls parading around acting like all stars. This isn’t my fight i’m not suppose to write or hold a pen till I bleed I’m fucking leech feeding off your emotional scars I’ll be damned if this life strings me along But I suck at dying so i’m killing myself slowly with the nicotine and beer. All the overdoses weren’t enough to extinguish this asshole I’m lit forget I said this shit…

When your cold the world just turns it back on you

When your hot they find ways to extinguish you

And if your mediocre you might make it to college and get a degree and not know how to use

Kind of like my father who turned in to the police man

Now he’s wearing a security badge in downtown Boston

Or maybe you can be like my mother

Barely passing high school

Now she’s got a job answering phones for some faggot ass doctors

Hs doctrate says he’s capable of making all the wrong diagnoses and still gets a pay check for it

But instead I turned my back on the life of public schooling

Cheated my way through the system and saying fuck you I’m a war vet

But I don’t see no war around me

Just some douche bag Captain we saved in the far off land named Djibouti

Pronouced like booty for these pirates attacking big ships in little skiffs

Now I’m lost and just fumbled my last thought

I don’t know where I am

This must be hell

I don’t know where I’m going

I’m alone and depressed

These feelings of regret can get the best of you I know

So that’s why I speak words of uncertainty

And blast of at the mouth like I know what the fuck is bothering me

It’s killing me like cancer

My Nana left this world with it

Now she’s free to watch over me while I get it

Kind of fucked up isn’t it

So much for divine intervetion

We didn’t start it and we have no say in ending it unless we take ourselves out one by one

This suicide realm that bothers us

So many kids and adults that feel like there is no other shit to live for

So I’m dying ever so slowly like my ancestors that came before me

So I ain’t wrote in here for awhile

While I been away I been writing on dirty napkins and paper scraps

Just rappin, with my boys having fueds and battles

Almost lost my job to an assault case and a drug overdose

Now I’m known for my infamy

Famous in my own mind when I write these words and spit an ill verse

I lost my wife over some dumb shit, but it’s alright

It’s my fault, but I don’t regret the shit that happen to us

It was just never meant to be in the first place

Lettin my heart race ‘cause this ryhme ain’t shit

Just the other day I spilt my anger on the paper like the sheets when I earned my red wings when I was eighteen

it went something like this just listen the beat’ll find you 

It flows like heroin in this addicts veins

I’m fucked

Addicted to pain not drugs stupid

I’m killing babies, metaphorically

I don’t mean children bitch I mean ladies

Tearing up your guts like a hanger from your homemade abortion clinic

‘Cause ain’t no bitch wanted to have my babies

So I’m in your bathroom with your face in the sink

Fucking you in the asshole

‘Cause I like the acoustics when I’m listening to Justin Timberlake

Pourin baby powder on this dick

Now your gunna need surgery to put that pink sock back in

I’m evil

So diabolical with these punch lines

I’m no scrapper

I’m a professional boxer so I can sit back and wait to hit ya…
BAM, POW Adam West I’m gunna smoke ya like a fat ass blunt and kill ya

Because when I murder you I’ll pull the steel out of my belt

Not a gun motherfucker a God damn butter knife and stab ya

So when I’m inches away and you hit the deck, screamin and fadin

You’ll say to yourself “Damn I can’t believe this shit ain’t butter”

‘Cause I’m fine like Fabio and day time soap operas

Ya I’m twisted like a criminal doing life in jail for fucking a christmas tree and killing Santa Claus with a fucking pine needle

I’m out like a pregnant bitches belly button, but I only know she’ll kill it.

I spun myself around the planet and cared less

this careless,self-disrespecting,dynamo with a fast track to self destruction

Weaker than the piss he just took in your neighbors bird feeder

but hardy hardy har bitch I’m a real rude, crude, angry bitch (period)

with a mean streak for people who can’t add up to me when I’m on point

with the pen and the paper

Tear my rolling paper I got a pipe baby

and its smooth like the next piece Imma show you.

I don’t smoke baby, but it looks cooler

I’m Wyatt Earp digging graves at Tombstone down in the wild wild west

Way from the east coast

Living Cali life

Pursue and you shall exceed

Where all the people go after they meet you at Cheers drunken fall nights in Boston

Three years later and I’m loving it

So let me say the right things and smoke the greatest words

I mean speak in open verse

So you can understand the master commander driving our space shuttle

Ask questions when you need to

At a million miles tell me when you free and I’ll be by in the breeze

Sweep you off your feet and fly away in my Superman cape

I got you

Trust you

Honor and respect you

I’m sorry my past looks fuzzy, but thats what happens when you live at a 100 miles an hour

Things just seem to past us by,

Too much of a good thing and we throw it away

Way can’t more people understand I’m just doing me

And a sorry to the people I did wrong and may I be influenced

refined like fine wine and champagne

Candle light nights

and blow out the stars when we say good morning

Sure I made some mistakes, but probably nothing you haven’t done. Am I right?

So who am I to judge

Just know these guidlines sway both ways in a breeze

so don’t be ashamed come talk to me

any problems you have with me let me know honestly

Cause trust me I won’t hulk out and freak out or put you blast

Johnny Storms back in the room so fuck you and who I told you I thought you were but I know exactly what you look like when I took a glimpse in your book and I ripped out the pages and the bullshit written on them and watch your discerning face as I make paper airplanes and fly them across deserts and I fly across arctic winters when I feel a little colder and take a dive into the atlantic where it all started just to extinguish my flames and forget who I am for a little while and just remember I’m bigger than all y’all  I just ain’t stood up straight yet so when I shake off the dust from my shoulders and break free of the ground I sunk in when the earthquake hit Haiti you’ll shudder like the west coast shifts and falls into the sea piece by piece because I lost the fire staying underwater too long now I’m standing up and speaking like ocean waves that tidal over the Japanese Godzilla is in the building I’m fucking huge and I’ll crush your career like Matthew Broderick  damn where’d you go I remember I idolized you when you played Ferris shitting your pants on a keyboard over the phone to the freshman in high school I was never that cool until now I’m freezing I’m cold like the winter that’s about to hit San Diego as the Earth shifts it’s axis and it becomes higher in the Northern hemisphere and I wish I was a scientist to warn you all the disaster, but like a good soldier I’ll stand in ranks with you all until it’s my time to lead you all to the promise land because I am the light I was just seeking my flame as a human torch johnny storm back to save the human race.