I’m slightly distracted now-a-days with all the bombs that have been dropped, and right on my house no less! I can’t find time to worry about my ex-wife and what the hell she’s been up to. Instead I make some time to email her lawyer about how she tries to swindle me! Now she won’t fight the facts, and she’s right where I’d like her; across the country! I swear I could be more brutal, but the time has come to just let it go. This is exactly why I sit here typing away my soul.

           I was a bad version of a man, a horrible husband, but all because I never really did love. Hell, I never even propose, and I tied a ring that didn’t fit. I cared. I felt bad she had a disease. I felt after the abortion I needed to marry her to make her feel better. Lord knows I was wrong. So, even though this marriage was lawful, it never really was allowed in God’s house. I believe that if it was I wouldn’t have slept with as many hookers as I did, did so many weird drugs, and certainly would have tried to make myself a better person! Of course though, I didn’t feel the need. She was just a safety blanket for whenever I felt alone. An ex-girlfriend even came into play at a point in time! If it wasn’t for Alex I don’t think I would have fully saw Kait and I’s relationship would never work.

            In December 2010 Kaitlyn and I spent a night at a bed and breakfast in some Cape town in Massachusetts. It was nice, but after we parted ways I spent the rest of my time on leave with Alex. Alex and I had a fling going on, and it wasn’t until deployment that I knew it wasn’t right. Her and I had too much history. Things that would have weighed us down, and I wasn’t about to put myself in another relationship where loving would become an issue, and break another friendship up. When I went back to Massachusetts in June 2011 I stayed with Kaitlyn in an apartment I was paying for. I was drunk nearly every night and I honestly, don’t recall much while I was there other than my time with my mom, aunt, dad, and the bruin’s games. I knew it was a matter of time, before I was going to call it quits.

            On June 17th I checked onboard my newest ship. I was intimidated at first. I really don’t like meeting new people. I speak fast, and I get tongue tied. I meet a co-worker named Holly who I talked to while she checked me in that first day. It was interesting. Over the next month I felt her out, wondering about her and this random black chick she was always with, but I was so busy with a ship wide inspection I didn’t have time for anything but small talk. Kait and I talked very seldom, and I had 20 dollars for two weeks after all my necessities were bought. Twenty dollars can buy a lot of forties and Mcdonald’s double cheese burgers! Hell, I would get wasted when I could!

             One day when I was curious of the black girl that Holly hung out with. She turned out to be an OS2, I was a second class before, before I peed in my aisle after a drunk Guam night. The rank wasn’t a problem, I was still married. I still told Holly I wanted to fist her friend with my penis. Of course she told OS2, and I wouldn’t find out until the first time Jen and I hung out! I saw Jen one day outside the port break, a tunnel leading to the forecastle. She was on the phone, and I walked up to her and said, “So, when are you going to let me take you on a date?” She replied, “You are married so, never!” I laughed and walked away with a smile.

             For about a week I continued talking to Jen, talking my usual “shit”. It was a kind of mean way of flirting, but I caught her eye. I went to a dereliction review board later on that month, and I had a facebook message. Jen had asked, “How was DRB hun? Text me.”, and left her number. That was a wrap. I used the number. I blew Kait off on her birthday with a simple text saying happy birthday, and called Jen. Kait found out, she broke into my facebook, email, phone accounts, and all. She was fairly pissed off to say the least! I couldn’t be mad. I was done. I had strung her along long enough.

             And that was that. My first marriage, down the drain. I didn’t try to stop it. I gave up. Now, this is me- Giving up on giving up. Thrown in the trash; all my mistakes, the things I did that I regret, they all lead me to where I am at. A happy man with a loving fiancee and her beautiful four year old boy, and a baby on the way. This is life. The reason for taking in all the slack, and finally growing up. This is the man I want to be.